Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?