Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

house sitting!

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

I know a bad idea when I see one.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

The Weeknd is back

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.