Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!