Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!