Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news