Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.