Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Glasses
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Basically.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg