Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“That’s what” – She
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]