Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Best seat on the street 😍

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome