@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

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@ShootyDoody

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@pleatedjeans

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.

@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

@MorticiaKate

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

@radmarco

*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*