Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I think this should do it.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.