Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Thank you 🥹

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”