Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

This raises questions

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.