Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”