Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Sheep

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.