Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.