Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

ㅤ

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*