Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Watson was Holmes schooled

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?