Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

All right then, keep your secrets

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope