Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
So the ex texted me
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.