Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.