Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?