Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

The Punning Dead.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang