Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you