Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
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Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.