Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
You Might Also Like
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
At least he brought enough for everyone
