Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
You Might Also Like
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I don’t make the rules sorry
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”