Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
ok this is my dumbest yet
Sharon, call the vet
Buying a well is money well spent.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha