Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Smells like a challenge to me

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute