Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.