Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

“You’d better run, egg!”

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

Y’all know who you are.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.