Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.