Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
This took me a second..
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain