Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
monday
