Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”