Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
asked my bf how work was today
Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side