Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.