Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Some people were born into their job.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband