Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦