Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
A bold strategy
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch