Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.