Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it