Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house