Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down