Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place