Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
At least try to make it slightly believable
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.