Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.