Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you