Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.