Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
seriously you guys
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here