Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!