Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…