Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These aren’t even hard anymore.

dutch so unserious

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.