Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood