Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!