I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
i did the math
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT