Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
As a doctor, I can confirm
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
!!!!!!!!!!!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.