Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant