Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Monday

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.