Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down