Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

🤣✨#caturday

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.