Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.