Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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Who says great literature is dead?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me trying to walk in a dream
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.