Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.