Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

HOW DARE YOU

Never deleting this app.

cause of death:
autopsy.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.