Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
From Facebook just now…
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth