Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

bears

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”