Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,