Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?