Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”