Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Don’t we all.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
