Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.