Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
all that yoga finally paid off
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
airing out the snack pack
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: