Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.