Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern