Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.