Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

peep davidson

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

new year update: losing everything but weight

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.