Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.