Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.