Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
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Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work