Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan