Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

same bro

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.