Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but